Lyrik: The Japanese Garden (Satis Shroff, Freiburg)

The Japanese Garden (Satis Shroff)

Nine Hauptschule kids in their teens,
Sit on benches in the Japanese Garden,
Near the placid, torquoise lake.

The homework is done sloppily.
Who cares?
The boys are bursting with hormones,
As they tease the only blonde from Siberia.

A fat guy named Heino likes the blonde,
But she doesn’t fancy him.
Annäherung, Vermeidung:
A conflict develops.

The teacher tells him in no uncertain terms:
“Lass Sie bitte in Ruhe!”
But Heino with the MP3 doesn’t care
And carries on:
Grasping her breasts,
Caressing her groin.
She puts up a fight to no avail.

Heino is stronger, impertinent,
And full of street rhetoric.
Meanwhile, the other teenies
Are climbing, kicking the Japanese pavilion,
Spitting, cursing shouting
At all and sundry in German.

The grey-haired gardener in charge comes,
Tells the boys to behave
And goes.
Boredom in the afternoon.
The boys don’t want to play soccer,
Handball or basketball.
Sitting around, criticising, irritating each other,
Is cool.

Creative workshops: music, songs, essays, own movies?
Nothing interests them.
Killing time together,
Cursing at each other,
Getting a kick provoking passersby,
This is the Hauptschule in Germany today.

The clever kids go to the Gymnasium,
After the fourth class.
The trouble-makers, aggressive alpha-wolves
And clowns remain in the Hauptschule.
An ironical name for a school,
For Haupt means the ‘main’
Comprising the lower class of the society:
Kids of foreigners, ethnic Germans from the east Bloc,
Who hope to make it somehow,
As apprentices for hair salons, car repair garages,
Kebab shops, Italian restaurants, Balkan kitchens,
Roofers and masons.

The Japanese Garden, a present from Matsuyama
To the people of Freiburg,
With truncated shrubs and rounded trees.
A waterfall and quiet niches,
A place for contemplation and solitude.

For the Hauptschule kids,
A place to get together,
Be loud, grunt, fight with fists, shove, scratch,
Slap, spit everywhere,
And play the gangsta.
“At night they throw empty alcohol bottles
Where ever they like,” says an elderly lady
From the neighbourhood.
Wonder how the kids are in Matsuyama?

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Miscarriage and Sonderschule (Satis Shroff)

“Halt’s Maul, Du Missgeburt!”
Says one to the other.
‘Halt dein Mund, Du Jude!
Ich hasse Juden, Mann!’ barks an obese Hauptschuler.

The others play football in the classroom.
The teacher says emphatically,
‘It’s forbidden to play soccer here!’
They reply in chorus:
‘It doesn’t disturb anybody.’
A grey-blonde teacher barges into the room and says:
‘Leben Sie hier noch?’ to his colleague.
Are you still alive?

Boris has an appointment with the police.
They nabbed him stealing a car.
Nicky quips to Suleika:
‘Du hast einen fetten Arsch!
Gebärfreudige Hintern.’

Albin runs helter skelter,
Settles down on a table,
Chewing gum between his yellow teeth,
Doesn’t like authority.
Hans, Fritz and Bruno do their extra homework,
Meted out as a punishment by the English teacher.

Vitaly throws scissors in the classroom,
Which land with a thud on the cork wall.
Heino is doing his best to disturb the group,
With his loud MP3 music.
‘Ha! Ha! Ha! Du Hurensohn!’ he says,
To a fellow classmate.

A Kosovo-kid who’s hyperactive,
Steals and fights at school.
The Germans send him to a Sonderschule.
His father’s proud for ‘sonder’ means ‘special.’
His son is attending an elite school, he thinks,
Only to realise later,
It was a school for difficult children.
A dead-end.
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East Bloc Kid Goes West (Satis Shroff)

A pair of heavy scissors fly
In a dark Hauptschule classroom,
Thrown by an Aussiedler school-kid,
Near Freiburg’s Japanese Garden.

The scissors can slash your face,
Or mine.
You can be maimed for life,
Like Scarface,
If the sharp ends
Bury in your eyes,
Or mine.

Let there be light.
Vitaly, a boy from the former east Bloc
Comes to the West,
In search of ancestors and heritage.
What he gets is rejection but freedom.
Freedom to do as he pleases,
With pleasant negative sanctions.
‘Even in jail they have TV,’ he says with a laugh.

He grows up in a ghetto,
And his anger burns.
Anger at his ageing parents,
Who forced him to come to the West,
But who are themselves lost in this new world
Of democratic, liberal values,
Luxurious and electronic consumer delights,
Where everyone cares for himself or herself,
Where the old structures of the society
They clung to in the east Bloc days
Don’t exist.

A brave new world,
A Schlaraffenland,
Where economy and commerce flourishes,
Where the individual’s view is important,
To himself,
To herself
And to others.

The East Bloc boy learns
To assert himself in the West,
Not with solid arguments and rhetoric
But with his two fists.
He fancies cars and their contents,
Breaks open the windows,
Takes all he wants.
Brushes with the police
At an early age.

English, Latin and French at school,
Irritates him,
He prefers to play the clown:
To dance on the table,
Make suggestive moves with his groin,
High on designer drugs,
High all the time.
Opens the classroom door,
Sees a girl from the seventh grade,
And yells at her:
‘Nach der Schule fick ich Dich.’
‘Screw you after school.’

His behaviour brings laughter
But he turns off the girls he admires.
He grins and insults his peers.
Rejected by youngsters,
Admonished by grown-ups.
He watches the society.

Chic clothes, streamlined cars, plastic money,
But he forgets that there’s personal performance
Behind these worldly riches.
‘The rich German drives his BMW
With his head in the air.
What does he care?
What does he care?’ thinks Vitaly.

A pair of scissors fly
In a dark classroom.
His pent-up emotions,
Let loose in a German Hauptschool,
Near the Japanese Garden.

His classmate from Croatia
Throws chairs at the another.
‘Aus Spass’ he says.
Just for fun.
He shouts at the Putzfrau,
Who cleans the classrooms:
‘Sie Geistesgestörte!’
You mad woman.
‚My French-cap is XXX’ he sings
And jerks his pelvis at her.

Is the school-system to blame?
Is western culture, tradition
Social, liberal values and norms to blame?
Are his parents who speak a conserved Deutsch to blame?
Is his Russian mother-tongue
And his great Russian soul to blame?

Nobody answers his questions,
Nobody cares,
Out in the West.
“Verdammt, I want to be heard!” screams Vitaly.
The people shake their heads,
Mutter, ‘Ein Spinner!’
And walk away.

A pair of sharp, long scissors
Fly in a dark classroom.
The scissors can slash your face,
Or mine.

Through Nepalese Eyes (Satis Shroff)

‘Through Nepalese Eyes’ is about the journey of a young Nepalese woman to Germany to meet her brother, who lives with his German wife and daughter in an allemanic town named Freiburg. It is a travelogue written by a sensitive, modern British public-school educated man. He describes the two worlds: Asia and Europe and the people he meets. There is a touch of sadness when his sister returns to her home in the foothills of the Himalayas.
(205 Seiten) Paperback: €12.00 Download: €6.25

It cries to be written because there are seldom books written by Nepalese writers about themselves. It’s always the casual foreign traveller, trekker or climber who writes about the people in the developing and least-developed countries of the so-called Third World.

The likely readers are the increasing male and female tourists, trekkers, climbers from the whole world who make their way to the Himalayas, each seeking something indefinable, perhaps peace, tranquillity, spiritual experience or a much-needed monologue with oneself in the heights of the Himalayas. The book is aimed at all Nepalophile and South Asian readers irrespective of their origin, and seeks to contribute towards understanding the Nepalese psyche, the world that the Nepalese live in, and the fact that it has to catch up with the rest of the world in terms of modernisation and innovations from the western world, amid the thoughts and beliefs, cultures and religions of the Himalayan world.

The book is divided according to the iterinary of the protagonist’s travels, her sojourn in Freiburg (Germany) and her excursions to Switzerland (Basle and Grindelwald) and France (Alsace and Paris-Versailles) and ends with the chapter ‘Return to the Himalayas’. It deals with the ‘Begegnungen’ or encounters with friendly Germans, the circle of her brother’s friends and the intercultural and inter-religious questions that she is confronted with during these conversations and the encouraging intercultural work being performed by Germans and foreigners specifically in Freiburg and Germany in general in creating a multicultural society, where a foreigner doesn’t have to fear deportation, persecution and xenophobia.

As my friend Satish Shroff requested me to write some introductory words to this book, I decided to start a very unusual way, by congratulating the author for the theme chosen: life, people, mentalities in East and West, with all inherent similarities (alas! few enough) and differences (quite a number). How right the late Rudyard Kipling was when expressing the essence of this subject: “East is East and West is West: Never the twins shall meet”! But by describing the two worlds as twins, he also hints at existing and possibly developing similarities.

Today’s world and way of life shortens the physical and mental distances, tending towards globalisation. Let us hope that one day, the only remaining differences will be of the geographic, artistic and cultural kind. Because there are elements which are common to both worlds and, therefore, they bring them together. Human nature, with all its emotions, love, sympathy, sorrow, hatred and a multitude of other feelings, is the same and the common element of both Eastern and Western people. The writer successfully brings out these points, clearly delineating each character.

This work is a window wherefrom one can peep to the East from the West and vice-versa. One can make out the geographical distributions, the cultural distinctions and the historic development of East and West separately. But if someone ponders on it, he finds the same basic human sentiments and values that hold mankind together since times immemorial.

Personally, I think that this and other works of this kind will prove instrumental in creating a good understanding between the two worlds, by describing the respective natures, cultures, traditions, art, social life and thus contributing towards a better knowledge and appreciation of each other, which will hopefully result into creating a new, more human world for the whole mankind sharing the same earth and sky. This world should be like a great family, and we, its members, should be constantly striving for maintaining its unity.

So, my friend Satish, as you see, I consider you one of the architects of this new world, this ideal, this Shangri-La of the whole mankind. In spite of many private and global setbacks, I am sure we are approaching it, with little steps, it is true, but we are coming nearer with every smile, with each gesture of tolerance and understanding between the two still different worlds.

I congratulate you, my dear friend, on your efforts to close the gap. May everyone read your book with open eyes, mind and heart.


Bonn, the 26th of May 2007
(Dr. Novel K. Rai)
Former Nepalese Ambassador to Germany

What others have said about the author: „Die Schilderungen von Satis Shroff in ‘Through Nepalese Eyes’ sind faszinierend und geben uns die Möglichkeit, unsere Welt mit neuen Augen zu sehen.“ (Alice Grünfelder von Unionsverlag / Limmat Verlag, Zürich).

Since 1974 I have been living on and off in Nepal, writing articles and publishing books about Nepal-- this beautiful Himalayan country. Even before I knew Satis Shroff personally (later) I was deeply impressed by his articles, which helped me very much to deepen my knowledge about Nepal.Satis Shroff is one of the very few Nepalese writers being able to compare ecology, development and modernisation in the ‘Third’ and ‘First’ World. He is doing this with great enthusiasm, competence and intelligence, showing his great concern for the development of his own country. (Ludmilla Tüting, journalist and publisher, Berlin).

Due to his very pleasant personality and in-depth experience in both South Asian, as well as Western workstyles and living, Satis Shroff brings with him a cultural sensitivity that is refined. His writings have always reflected the positive attributes of optimism, tolerance, and a need to explain and to describe without looking down on either his subject or his reader. (Kanak Mani Dixit, Himal Southasia, Kathmandu)


Satis Shroff writes with intelligence, wit and grace. (Bruce Dobler, Senior Fulbright Professor in Creative Writing, University of Pittsburgh).

Lyrik: Im Schatten des Himalaya (www.Lulu.com)

Lyrik: Im Schatten des Himalaya (www.Lulu.com)
Im Schatten des Himalaya
von Satis Shroff

Themen der Geschichten und Gedichten sind u.a.: Kampf um Demokratie (My Nepal: Quo vadis?), Transition (Wenn die Seele sich verabschiedet), und die Stellung der Frau (Bombay Bordel, Nirmala: Zwischen Terror und Ekstase), die verführerische Bergwelt (Die Himalaya rufen, Die Sehnsucht der Himalaya), das Leben in der Fremde (Gibt es Hexen in Deutschland?), Soldatenleben und Krieg (Der Verlust einer Mutter, Die Agonie des Krieges, Kein letzte Sieg), Tod nach Tollwut (Fatale Entscheidung), Trennung und Emanzipation (Santa Fe), Migration und Fremdenhass (Mental Molotovs, Letzte Tram nach Littenweiler), Tourismus (Mein Alptraum, Die Götter sind weg), Alkoholismus (Der Professors Gattin), Gewalt (Krieg), Trennung (Die Stimme, Der Rosenkrieg), Nachbarn (Die Sommerhitze) und die Liebe (Der zerbrochene Dichter, Eine seufzende Prinzessin, Ohne Wörter), die Familie (Meine Maya), der Tod (An Carolin Walter, Wenn die Seele Abschied nimmt).
(87 Seiten)Paperback: €11.84 Download: €6.25

Wenn man an die Gedichte Nepals des 20. Jahrhunderts denkt, fallen einem Dichter wie: Lekhnath Paudyal, Bhanu Bhakta Acharya, Balkrishna Sama und Lakshmiprasad Devkota in den Sinn. Nepals vielfältige und anspruchsvolle Literatur ist reich an Gedichten, da fast jeder Schriftsteller auch Gedichte schreibt. Das Gedicht hat immer eine besondere Rolle gespielt, weil es als Mittel benutzt wurde, um sozialkritische und politische Fragen in einer Gesellschaft zu postulieren, in der Regierungen Medien zensierten. Zensusfreie Literatur gibt es in Nepal erst seit November 1990 mit der Umwandlung der absoluten Monarchie in eine konstitutionelle Hindu-Monarchie mit demokratischen Grundprinzipien.

Die nepalesische Literatur beschreibt auch die Situation in anderen Himalayastaaten. Die Hochburg der Nepali Literatur findet man in Kathmandu aber auch in Darjeeling, Kurseong, Kalimpong, Assam, Nagaland und Gangtok (Sikkim). Hier gibt es literarische Gesellschaften und jährliche Auszeichnungen für Nepali Schriftsteller und Dichter. Die bekanntesten Preise sind: Royal Nepal Akademie Preis, Tribhuvan Puraskar, Madan Puraskar, Sajha Preis, Nepali Literatur Gesellschaft Preis (Darjeeling), Nepali Akademie Preis (West Bengalen) und Nationale Literatur Akademie Preis (Delhi). Budathoki's Best Nepalese On-line Writer Preis (International Nepali Literature Society, USA).

In seiner Anthologie von Lyrik und Prosa geht es zum Teil um politische Lyrik über den Krieg in Nepal, das traurige Schicksal der nepalesischen Bevölkerung, die Wiederentstehung von Neonazismus in Deutschland, Liebe und Frauenleiden. Seine bikulturelle Perspektive bereichern seine Gedichte, die herzzerreissend und traurig sind. Wenn er von 'Heim' spricht, kehrt er immer wieder zu seinem Herkunftsland und teilt das Schicksal der Nepalesen mit den westlichen Lesern.

Obwohl viele Besucher in Nepal wandern und neue Ideen und Fortschritt auf dem Vormarsch sind, hat sich das Dorfleben nicht verändert und das Kastensystem besteht weiterhin. Nepal hat noch immense politische, sozio-kulturelle- und religiöse- Probleme sowie im Wirtschaftssektor. Die Korruption in allen Sektoren und Schichten der Gesellschaft hat das Vertrauen von Generationen von Nepal erschüttert. Die viel proklamierte konstitutionelle Monarchie und die neue Demokratie haben die Versprechungen nicht einhalten können. Die neue maoistischen und demokratischen Kräfte kämpfen weiterhin auf der politischen Ebene um die Macht. Zwischen 1996 und 2005 haben die Maoisten 4,500 Landsleute getötet und die Royal Nepal Armee und Polizei ebenfalls 8,200 Nepalesen.

Die Zeit hat uns gezeigt, dass es keine schnelle Lösung für die Probleme dieses Landes gibt. Nepals Demokratie muss lernen zu krabbeln bevor sie eigenständig stehen und laufen kann, da sie noch in der Kindheitsphase ist. Die ständige Regierungswechsel und der wachsende Maoismus irritiert Nepals Bevölkerung und die helfenden Nationen. Trotz der 40,000 Nicht-Regierungs Organisationen (NGOs), gehört Nepal immer noch zu den am wenigsten entwickelten Länder der Welt. Da ist etwas schief gegangen in diesem Shangri-la, sonst würden 2000,000 Nepalesen ihre Heime nicht verlassen. Es gibt 1,8 Millionen Asyl Suchende in den Nachbarländern, unter denen sind Nepals Intellektuelle.

Das, was Satis Shroff schreibt ist wichtig aus sozialer und politischer Hinsicht. Er fühlt sich berufen, nepalesische Metaphern zu erfinden und sie an die westlichen Leser durch seine Gedichte weiterzuleiten.

Themen der Geschichten und Gedichten sind u.a.: Kampf um Demokratie (My Nepal: Quo vadis?), Transition (Wenn die Seele sich verabschiedet), und die Stellung der Frau (Bombay Bordel, Nirmala: Zwischen Terror undEkstase), die verführerische Bergwelt (Die Himalaya rufen, Die Sehnsucht der Himalaya), das Leben in der Fremde (Gibt es Hexen in Deutschland?), Soldatenleben und Krieg (Der Verlust einer Mutter, Die Agonie des Krieges, Kein letzte Sieg), Tod nach Tollwut (Fatale Entscheidung), Trennung und Emanzipation (Santa Fe), Migration und Fremdenhass (Mental Molotovs, Letzte Tram nach Littenweiler), Tourismus (MeinAlptraum, Die Götter sind weg), Alkoholismus (Der Professors Gattin), Gewalt (Krieg), Trennung (Die Stimme, Der Rosenkrieg), Nachbarn (Die Sommerhitze) und die Liebe (Der zerbrochene Dichter, Eine seufzende Prinzessin, Ohne Wörter), die Familie (Meine Maya), der Tod (An Carolin Walter, Wenn die Seele Abschied nimmt).

Zum Autor: Satis Shroff ist Dozent,Dichter, Journalist und Schriftsteller. Schule in Darjeelings North Point, Studium der Zoologie und Botanik an der Tribhuvan Universität (Kathmandu). Danach Tätigkeit als Lehrer der Naturwissenschaften an einer englischen Schule in Kathmandu und später Features Editor (The Rising Nepal). Verfasser der "Sprachkunde Nepals" (Horlemann Verlag) und Veröffentlichungen in: The Christian Science Monitor, epd-Entwicklungspolitik, Nepal Information (Köln), Himal Asia, The Rising Nepal, The Independent, Nelles "Nepal", Nepal: Myths & Realities (Book Faith India). Er studierte Creative Writing (bei Prof. Bruce Dobler,MFA Universität of Iowa, und Writers Bureau Manchester). Preisträger des DAAD-Preis, Mitglied bei World Poets Society (WPS),Canadian Federation of Poets, PEN Nepal.

Der Autor ist sehr aktiv im Internet, wo er verschiedene Blogs betreibt. Er schreibt regelmässig für The American Chronicle (www.amchron.com.) und seine einundzwanzig Zeitungen,www.satisshroff.blogspot.com/ContemporaryWritings,www.satisshroff.blog.ch(Zeitgeistblues), und Gastautor bei www.Boloji.com, The Megaphone.net.

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Katmandu, Katmandu
von Satis Shroff (Editor)

Satis Shroff's anthology is about a poet caught between upheavals in two countries, Nepal and Germany, where maoists and skin-heads are trying to undermine democratic values, religious and cultural life. Satis Shroff writes political poetry, in German and English, about the war in Nepal (My Nepal, Quo vadis?), the sad fate of the Nepalese people (My Nightmare, Only Sagarmatha Knows), the emergence of neo-fascism in Germany (Mental Molotovs, The Last Tram to Littenweiler) and love (The Broken Poet, Without Words, About You), women's woes (Nirmala, Bombay Brothel).

His bicultural perspective makes his poems rich, full of awe and at the same time heartbreakingly sad. In writing 'home,' he not only returns to his country of origin time and again, he also carries the fate of his people to readers in the West, and his task of writing is a very important one in political and social terms. His true gift is to invent Nepalese metaphors and make them accessible to the West through his poetry. (187 Seiten)Paperback: €13.84 Download: €6.25

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Through Nepalese Eyes
by Satis Shroff

Travel book: 'Through Nepalese Eyes' is about the journey of a young Nepalese woman to Germany to meet her brother, who lives with his German wife and daughter in an allemanic town named Freiburg. It is a travelogue written by a sensitive, modern British public-school educated man. He describes the two worlds: Asia and Europe and the people he meets. There is a touch of sadness when his sister returns to her home in the foothills of the Himalayas.
(205 Seiten)Paperback: €12.00 Download: €6.25

What others have said about the author:

"Die Schilderungen von Satis Shroff in 'Through Nepalese Eyes' sind faszinierend und geben uns die Möglichkeit, unsere Welt mit neuen Augen zu sehen." (Alice Grünfelder von Unionsverlag / Limmat Verlag, Zürich).

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"Satis Shroff writes political poetry-about the war in Nepal, the sad fate of the Nepalese people, the emergence of neo-fascism in Germany. His bicultural perspective makes his poems rich, full of awe and at the same time heartbreakingly sad. In writing 'home,' he not only returns to his country of origin time and again, he also carries the fate of his people to readers in the West, and his task of writing thus is also a very important one in political terms. His true gift is to invent Nepalese metaphors and make them accessible to the West through his poetry." (Sandra Sigel, poetess, Germany).

On Living With Aids in a Black Forest Town (Satis Shroff)

LIVING WITH AIDS IN GERMANY (Satis Shroff, Freiburg)


"It's the 1st of November (Allerheiligen) and I ask myself: why do you give the dying company? In all those years I haven't visited a single grave. I can't let go of my clients before they die. I just can't bear to do it after a certain amount of deaths through Aids." This was what the guy at the local aids assistant center in Freiburg said to yours truly when I paid him a call.

How does a person afflicted with Aids feel and what does he think about himself, his family, the society and what sort of help does he get in Germany? These were the questions that I posed to HIV-positive people living in a kind of commune run by the local Aids-Hilfe in Freiburg (Southern Germany). The Aids-Hilfe is a pan-German institute which helps HIV-infected people.

The clients were in the age group 26 to 46 and some of them were drug-addicts in the past, some were chronic alcoholics, and most of them were from the middle and under-class Germany society with bi-, homo- and heterosexuals tendencies.

Even though it´s possible to protect oneself from contracting the HIV- infection, Aids still marches on. We know that it´s a disease with an unusual latent period and that the full clinical Aids leads to death. And yet we point our finger towards the minorities of the society: homosexual and bisexual men, fixers and prostitutes. In the media there´s a tendency to individualise the risks of HIV-infection, and such a stance doesn´t promote a collective coping behaviour. The infected and the aids-afflicted are still stigmatised and discriminated.

A closer look reveals that every one of us could contract HIV-infection and it has psycho-social connotations. Only a massive campaign in which parents, teachers, lecturers, medical doctors, social workers and trade-unions work together can achieve some degree of success. This campaign should be launched at school and college levels, in the tourism industry and other industrial and administrative sectors, in order to eliminate the half-knowledge and angst, and to motivate self- responsibility, and to avoid the risk of getting infected.

Take Stefan W. 46 for instance, a blond male nurse. Stefan had undergone the Aids-test in 1985 and found out that he was HIV positive. He said, "I was scared then, because I´d read an article about Aids in "Der Spiegel". After that I decided to do an Aids-test, because I couldn´t bear this fear and indecision. And when I came to know the positive result, I felt miserable and alone in this world."

I asked him whether his family had supported him.

I had problems with my parents who didn´t show any sympathy towards my homosexuality. I even lost two brothers, because they couldn't live with my Aids-problem. I was really stigmatised.

How did you come to the Aids-Hilfe and what did you expect?

For a while I had to take care of myself. It was in 1988 that I contacted the Aids-Hilfe. My aim was to get to know other HIV-infected people and to see what they offered in terms of aid. I met a nice female social- worker, who helped me a lot by telling me about dying and death. We talked about what I was to expect when I develop Aids fully, how I could relax and how to behave with my sexual partner. It was here that I received real social -support. I feel good today and I can talk about my HIV- infection openly. I don´t have to hide myself anymore. The aids-help organisation gave me a full-time job and I give advice to others. Some clients want to have a HIV-infected person as a counsellor, because they feel more accepted this way.

Did the Aids-help give you a new insight?

I know today how to react to the signals from my body. One has to create or find an environment where one can relax. I try to avoid people who don't support me. When you have Aids, you have to go from one extreme to another. I always advise others that it pays to live".

I met Wolfgang K., 26, a bar-keeper and waiter. He said he knew that he was bisexual since the age of 15. He thinks that he infected himself through a man. He admitted having had one-night stands with different men. He also said he had a junkie-phase and had done needle-sharing a lot of times.

Wolfgang says, "I came to know that I was HIV-positive on December 13,1994. I was in Freiburg at that time and went to the Aids-Hilfe and managed to get a place in this commune. I still have contact with my mother. She lives with another man. Since it was shortly before Christmas, I felt obliged to tell her before Christmas. My mother was in despair and very concerned and understood my situation. She supports me morally as usual, but I know that it´s difficult for her. She maintains her calm outwardly, but she trembles inside. I know it.

What did you expect from the Aids-Hilfe and what did they do for you?

Wolfgang said, "I expected information and personal help from them and I got it, but a bitter taste remains nevertheless. The commune isn't ideal for me. In the sport- group a lot of people wear masks and pretend to be happy and cheerful. I like riding my bike and go to swim and am relaxed. I´m a Bhagwan-disciple and practice my meditations twice a day. Ever since I started doing my meditations, I haven´t even caught the common cold.
Do you find everything negative here?

When I get the blues - when I´m depressed - there´s always someone in the house with whom I can talk. For me, the commune is an emergency landing pad. I want to study something else that´s why it´s cheaper for me. If I live here two years I´m entitled to a social apartment in Freiburg. As a HIV-infected person, I can´t carry on my sexual activities. I want to cure myself through my meditation and self-hypnosis. I have a T-helper cell count of 875, which is much better than anyone´s here.

How much rent do you pay here and how many euros do you have to live on?

The rent here is exorbitant. We have to pay 120 euros per person. Then we have to pay 15 euros for the electricity and 100 euros for the advisers. That makes 235 euros without the telephone. We get money from diverse sources: the joblessness-assistance, apartment-aid, food- and social -allowances. I live with only 150 euros a month.

Did the Aids-Hilfe help you to win a new perspective?

Through the Aids-Hilfe I´ve become positive-thinker. My basic fear of Aids has vanished. I find it good that we have personal contacts here and that they take us to seminars for further-training on Aids, so that we can understand and cope with the disease better.

Franz P., 38, is a salesman, heterosexual and came to know that he had Aids a decade ago.

I asked him," How did your family react? Did they support you?"

Franz: "My mother cried buckets of tears when she learnt that I was infected. My wife, who was then pregnant, ignored it till she got the child. Both mother and child were HIV-negative, by the way. After the birth we used contraceptives when we had sexual intercourse.

You said that you live alone now. Was your disease the reason for the separation from your spouse?

Franz: "Actually my drug-problem was the main reason. I had angst and that´s why I started taking drugs again. My wife´s father died of cancer and my wife didn´t want our son to be confronted with my Aids-problem. We lived in a small village in the Black Forest and I tried to live a normal, social life. In summer 1991 I had an infection of the lungs and came to Freiburg. In autumn 1992, I was invited to a brunch at the Aids-Hilfe and met the social worker and the others and was happy to get an apartment.

How do you find your daily life in the commune?

The social worker handles the financial and other bureaucratic aspects and we have brunch thrice a week, during which we talk about ourselves. We don´t have a structured life here. Everyone does things and is responsible only to himself. Our rooms are private and everyone has to knock on the door and when someone says "No!", it means no, without reasons. There´s a pecking-order not only in the society outside but also here. On the top of our hierarchy we have the haemophilics, then the gays and at the bottom the junkies. The heteros lie between the haemophilics and the gays. I find that one is accepted when one says one's HIV-infection was due to constant changes of female partners, than when one says it was caused by an infected-needle.

What did you expect from the Aids-Hilfe and what did you get?

I wanted to have information about Aids and contacts with other HIV-infected people and naturally psycho-social support. The social-worker accompanied me to the hospital, through the jungle of red-tape and helped me in daily life. We are allowed to live in the commune till we are physically and mentally fit and can take care of ourselves and our lives. It can also happen that some of us die here. The death-rate is 15 %.

I find that the Aids-Hilfe does predominantly preventive work. There had been a lot of in-fighting in the organisation, but now it´s all quiet. The social-workers have high ideals but there's also a commercial aspect to it. I'm looking for another apartment and want to go on living.

What would you advise other people in terms of preventive measures like safer-sex, being faithful to each other, no sex or social expectations?

It sounds good but I find people should be open to themselves and to the others. When they are infected they shouldn't practice a double moral. They shouldn´t try to ignore the matter. The infected should let themselves be guided by their inner feelings. I think the infection destabilises one´s self-consciousness. In the commune I've stabilised my psyche, and this is ignored by modern medicine. I live here with people from different social structures and milieu, and we have one thing in common: the HIV-infection. It's possible to live out one's ego, because there´s no community-life. It's every man for himself and the social-worker for us all.

Bruno K.,27 is a mason and was a drug-addict since the age of 13. He'd taken soft drugs and worked at a construction- site and carried cement-sacks on his back, was tired after the work and needed stronger stuff that hash and alcohol. He got Valeron-N from a doctor (10 bottles at once), because the doctor "was too lazy to look up the Red-List. He can't cope with with the society and can't live legally. But he's glad that he has a substitution-identity card now. He was and searched by the police six times a day, because he was well-known as a junkie. He left his parents' home at the age of 15.

How did your mother react when she came to know that you were HIV-positive?

Bruno: "That can't be true!" was how my mother reacted. She didn't reject me because of the infection but because of my long, unkempt hair. She said that she´d refuse to see me as long as I had my long hair. She circulates in high-society. I find such people false and hypocritical.

When and where did you know that you were infected?

I came to know that I had the HIV-infection when I was in jail. I and my girl-friend wanted to contract Aids wilfully, and we left our injections and needles where we´d used them.

What drugs do you take?

I take Methadon, Flanitrazepan and Testosteron, because I've become very lethargic due to the substitution therapy. I can sleep sixteen hours a day. When I´m so tired through the substitution-therapy, I find it difficult to get in contact with women. He points his index-finger at his big TV-set and says," In that box they show Aids-ads in every channel and the people have become tolerant due to the TV-spots.

What do you think of therapy?

I haven't done a therapy. It's all useless. The judges give you a jail-sentence instead of a therapy these days. I was in the drug-scene previously and have made my experience with 3.6 grams of heroin. I oscillated between life and death. I realised that I wasn't ready to die. Now I have nothing to do with drugs. I smoke hash now and then.

Are you trying to reintegrate yourself socially, and trying to get a clear picture about your own situation?

I hate nothing more than this society. I believe in God, but I hate the church. I was born in the wrong century. I wait and contemplate that there are at least 100 ways of killing myself. But I'm alive. As soon as the Aids-symptoms get bad and I can't take care of my own interests, I'll take the necessary measures and end my life.

Did you get good tips from the Aids-Hilfe?

I didn´t get any advice from them. I got good and useful advice from the social-worker. When it comes to a quarrel, the social-worker always has the last word. I have a generation- conflict with the social-worker, because I love wearing old, torn jeans with slits, and she sounds like my mother. My long hair and torn-jeans are a form of protest against the mainstream.

What plans do you have for the future?

I'm satisfied as long as I can live, can move about and decide for myself. I can be blind through Aids. In that case I'd prefer suicide (Freitod). I can't bear the artificial, insincere compassion and sympathy of the others when I have pain, and when I can't fight back. I'd rather shoot myself before that happens. Despite all that I find life worth living and we can only bring changes as long as we live. The chance that a wonder-drug will be discovered is slim. I have no angst as far as death is concerned. It's the pain that I'm scared of, and the fear that I might be helpless...

Eberhard N.,36, is an electro-specialist heterosexual from Stuttgart. He knew he had the HIV eight years, and he lives in Freiburg since half a year and was nine months at the Aids-Hospice in Oberhammersbach.

Do you know how you infected yourself?

I had a girl-friend named Petra and she was also HIV-positive. She didn´t care less. I was behind bars for 18 months because the police caught me with drugs. I´m a dry alcoholic. At that time, I didn't have anything to drink. A junkie friend offered us heroin and we used the same needle. The bloke was positive and gave us his needle.

How did your family react?

They shoved me off. In 1993 I landed in the Hospice and my family visited me there. I telephone my mother every week. She wanted to visit me in December 1994 and now it's August 1995, and she hasn't showed up as yet. I have liver-cirrosis and it would mean my death if I'd drink.

How did you come to Freiburg from Stuttgart? Who helped you?

I'm a well-known alcoholic in Stuttgart. I got in touch with the Aids-Hilfe through the Hospice. I got an apartment and received help from Freiburg. On Christmas I even received a financial shot from a girls' school. I bought a stereo-set with the money, because I can't live without music.I like Neil Young.

Do you take medicines? What are your future plans?

I take only Hepaloges N ( a plant-based liver-remedy). I find that a healthy psyche is the best medicine against disease. One ought to keep one's hands away from medicines. I live for now and today. What´s the use of making great plans? How do I know what it's going to be like in a year? I live intensively though. My thoughts are good. I smoke a joint or a pipe now and then. I don't drink. I haven't given up as yet. One should keep on fighting. One can die fast---in a matter of days. When I was at the Hospice, I thought I was lost. I'm a Pink Floyd fan too and went all the way to Strassbourg (France) to attend the concert on the 9th of September 1994. One has to gave a goal. I want to live here, because after two years I can get a new apartment. And I want to have a girl-friend...

"There's a lot of stress involved in working with Aids-patients because one is confronted with difficult situations. You have to make quick decisions and ask yourself later: was it necessary or not ", says the guy of the Aids-Hilfe Freiburg. It´s a life- and work-situation. The social workers have to give hope to the infected clients and then see with their own eyes how they deteriorate physically and mentally. How does a social worker react to the deaths?

He shrugged his shoulders and raised his hands up and said, "It's the 1st of November (Allerheiligen) and I ask myself: why do you give the dying company? In all those years I haven't visited a single grave. I can't let go of my clients before they die. I just can't bear to do it after a certain amount of deaths through Aids..."